June 6, 2025

If the Boston Tea Party had customer support

If the Boston Tea Party had customer support

1,052 open tickets tagged "unrest"

Customer Ticket 1773

  • Subject: Missing Tea
  • Product: East India Co. Tea
  • Location: Boston Dock
  • Status: Escalated to King George (no reply)
  • Priority: High
  • Churn Risk: Severe

Root cause analysis

  • No login required for dock access
  • Users bypassed traditional escalation pathways (petition, letter, duel)

Response time

17-23 sailing days

  • Deploy redcoats as field support
  • Revisit terms of forced subscriptions
  • Consider sunsetting the empire
Internal note Per our Terms of Empire, you agreed to taxation without representation.

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